An Extra Pair of Hands: A story of caring and everyday acts of love

Product Information

I have read a few Kate Mosse books, loved her Languadoc Trilogy so when I saw that she had released a non fiction book, I won’t lie to you, I was intrigued. Especially when I saw its association with the Wellcome Collection. I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed. As an epigram to the book, Mosse quotes Adrienne Rich: “Freedom is daily, prose-bound, routine remembering.” Throughout the book she weaves in family history; stories of her childhood in West Sussex, the marriage of her parents and the wonderful character of her mother-in-law who took an entertainment troupe round local care homes to regale residents with music and song. Thus Mosse portrays the riches of reciprocal relations of care between one generation and the next, and is a helpful corrective to the negativity that sometimes burdens the subject.

But even with Mosse’s advantages “it’s hard”, she bluntly admits, and “often it feels as if there are no good options, only less bad ones”. She notes that the origin of the word care is the old German word chara for “burden of the mind”. On several occasions, she comments on the “numbing” repetitiveness of daily tasks, but perhaps even more painful is the powerlessness entailed in caring for the elderly as you witness their process of loss – of faculties, of freedom and independence – with only limited ability to relieve or ease it. The paradox about carers is that a strong satisfaction lies in “fixing things” – making someone better, cheering them up – but that may not be possible. Mosse admits sadly that “however much you do, it never feels enough.”

Lockdown star 

Over the past two decades, the bestselling author has been a carer three times: to her father suffering from Parkinson’s, to her widowed mother and presently to her mother-in-law, the exuberant Granny Rosie. Unafraid to depict the exhausting reality of caring, her timely story is compassionate and humane, judiciously blending the personal with the political; as she eloquently argues, “care is a feminist issue”. The Maidens

In An Extra Pair of Hands Kate Mosse explored what it is like to become a carer for those who has once cared for you. Having gone through this myself recently I say it is the moment you become an actual adult. You may have a mortgage, a car, be married and even have kids of your own but when your parents become your responsibility the whole axis of your world goes of kilter. And it is terrifying. It was never an issue about care. We knew, as a family, that Mum would be at home and that we could look after her. We have amazing support from our local Hospice, from the Community team and from the carers that come in every day to help, but in the main, it's down to my Dad. He's 76 and Mum is 80. Mosse’s parents and mother-in-law all moved to live with her and her husband in their Chichester home when they reached old age. Her father had Parkinson’s and died in 2011, her mother survived him by a few years, and Granny Rosie is still going reasonably strong at the age of 90. This is a compact and relatable account of a daughter’s experiences of caregiving and grief, especially with the recent added complication of a pandemic. I am a Big fan of Kate Mosse and I have read all her books. Every book of Kate's are just remarkable and this latest book "An Extra Pair of Hands" was a book from the heart especially as this book is about Kate's own personal story finding herself as a carer in middle age: firstly helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinson's, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as 'an extra pair of hands' for her 90-year-old mother-in-law. The are many moments of insight, such as the distinction between ‘caring’ and being a ‘carer’. As she says, the latter is about ‘routine, the endless repetition of things, of always having someone else’s needs at the forefront of your mind. The quotidian tasks that repeat and repeat: conversations, medication, meals, laundry, personal hygiene.’Here, Kate Mosse tells her own personal story of finding herself a carer in middle age: first, helping her heroic mother care for her beloved father through Parkinsons, then supporting her mother in widowhood, and finally as ‘an extra pair of hands’ for her 90- year-old mother-in-law. As Kate Mosse points out in the opening chapter of the book, An Extra Pair of Hands is not a ‘how to’ book but a tribute to three ‘extraordinary’ people – her father, her mother and her mother-in-law – and her own reflections on becoming a carer, the ‘extra pair of hands’ of the book’s title. She became very alert to the slightest sound, especially during the dark hours of the night, when “too many things can go wrong” – when a stumble on the way to the bathroom can lead to a serious fall, when night terrors can take hold, when those with dementia find themselves lost in a world where time no longer exists.